29 and clueless


I am 29 and I am clueless about what I really want to do for a career. I know this much that I do want a career, a successful one. I also know that I good at doing certain things. I am a quick learner and a good communicator. My problems are also clear – they are those of under confidence and paralysis in conflicting environments/ situations. So, instead of spurring me on, competition actually paralyses me. So yeah, I fail to be nakedly competitive. I am ambitious but I keep waiting for ideal conditions. These are all shortcomings of people who are not able to achieve much in life. I get that. And I can see myself changing as well about it. But still, there are always ways to make uninspiring work bearable but a different magic happens when you are putting the same effort and energy towards things which are also close to your heart. 

Which is the reason why I am looking, desperately looking, for the reason that I want to work. There are some simple answers that I think I know but the reality is that I don’t have a clue about what I really want. I love to read and write. I also love to change things. I love to solve problems. But these, are very generic answers and do not lead me anywhere in the actual world. I would love to be an entrepreneur but I am still waiting for THE idea. I have a couple of them but I am not ready to stake everything for any of them. 

So, the best strategy seems to be to wait and see what happens. 

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Musing on futility of being..


This life is a burden we have been accorded. Why or by who or how are questions which will continue to be asked till the day we die. But one act which we have to perform is to die. How we fill the time between then and now is what occupies most of us. Should it be spent in toil, in joy, in abandon or in industry? Should it matter that whether you are alone or not? I think all our efforts are towards occupying ourselves – sometimes with love, sometimes with work, sometimes with wonder and sometimes with numbness. It’s hard to figure out how to deal with the awaiting emptiness and loneliness. It is to run away from that vacuum like state of futility that we align all our efforts towards. Life is tough, not in the sense of survival of the body but more in terms of the survival of the soul! 

Our Internal Essence


I just got this idea while walking at night. It follows below:

We all have a core essence which glows somewhere deep within us. And our job during this lifetime is to recognize it, protect it and expand it as much as possible. It is as a protector or destroyer of this essence is where the concept of virtues and vices emerge. So while vices like dishonesty, cheating, malice, jealousy, hatred and sloth etc start eating it away slowly, virtues like honesty, forgiveness, integrity, respect for other’s essence and industry etc enhance that core and expand it further. We need to protect this essence because it is what makes us and because when times are tough it is this core that we dig into to fight our adversities.  Also, by expanding that glowing core, we are fulfilling our purpose in life.

Now that I think about it, this idea is very similar to the concept of invoking out chakras in hinduism. These chakras represent a fragmented core (much like horcruxes :P).

Will add more on this later.

A Lament!


While I very much enjoyed reading ‘Reading Lolita in Tehran’ I was again and again bothered by the fact that I do not get to see intellectual-ism, so to speak, in Indian Modern Fiction. In whatever Indian Modern Fiction I have read, I see only two or three main streams – a transition from rural to urban or its version of from India to Abroad, if its a woman’s tale, it is always set in the context of a family (husband, mother-in-law, kids, daughter-in-law, an extra marital affair or all of them together) and finally contrasts between upper, middle and lower class. There are many others like college love stories, mythological stories with a thrilling twist (hint: Ashwin Sanghi) but they are still so bad that I am not categorizing them as literature in the true sense of the word. They are books, novels to read, probably enjoy, and then forget.

But amidst all this, where is the intellectualism?? Some authors who tend to be intellectual become too preachy, almost pontificating from a pedestal. Others, Either don’t have the capability to or don’t bother to venture in that domain. It saddens me. It saddens me because I want to read about the current intellectual discussions going on (Are they going on?) in the Indian context. And, I feel that there must be such discussions somewhere. After all, this country is going through a mini cultural, social and political crisis – the crisis of ethos.

TV debates are not doing enough justice. We see propagandists of various parties coming and spouting propaganda (what else) in the name of debate. Its an inane display of shoddy intellectualism. Those who do have a point which makes sense, are afraid to put it forth on TV. So, where are these voices going?? I am not even hearing these voices. Where are they?? Where are the thoughts which these young people are brewing in their heads?? (Well, those apart from chasing girls or imitating blindly a ‘badass’ attitude.)

Print is a very good medium to record these voices, to make them be heard or seen by a vast majority. There should be good books. This is a good time for quality indian literature.