I have a real issue with judgement and judgmental people. I can’t take it with nonchalance.
With some difficulty and conscious effort, I am in a place today where I can respect the choices people make for themselves, be it similar to mine or better or worse. The reason I have is that I am not the best person to make a decision about someone else’s life and give it a rating – good or bad. Often, I am not qualified to understand the mental process of other people, to feel the intensity of emotions they must have felt and so I can’t really ‘judge’ them for the decisions they have taken.
And being in this place makes it tough for me because I expect that other people would do the same. Not true. Not true at all. Most people would make an associative judgment about you without even bothering to know all the facts or give it an honest assessment or even verify that what they remember is an actual fact or just a figment of their associative memory’s imagination. It bothers me because that is an evaluation that they carry about me and it is not accurate.
My point is simply this – If you are going to assess, get your facts right. If you cannot bother to take the pains of knowing the honest truth, then don’t be quick to assess and come to a judgement.
That is all. That is where I stand!
idiot duffer lazy crazy……why can’t you…why why why???
these are some lyrics from one of the songs of taare zameen pe. So true…they ring such a bell that I can hardly ignore the sound . I keep asking that to myself all the time these days.
Now, I have been really having some tough time for quite long now. It is without doubt the toughest of my life academically and what I do is to close my eyes and wish it to go away. I fool myself and my family and friends into believing that I am doing very well in handling it. Heck! I have not even let anyone know about it. No one has a hint of what is about to happen. The worst thing is that I am not even taking any steps to curb it. I am still bunking classes, still not going to meet the guide, still not doing the work except literature course and am continuing to dream of a glittering future. Sometimes, I am afraid that I have lost my sanity. I mean how could a person like me allow this to happen to a person like me. I teach and preach to people the fundaes of life and philosophy of living it. They praise me and my understanding of the ways of life and yet here I am with a most failed existence . I am not at all hesitant in accepting that I am right now living the worst kind of life that is possible.
My parents are the most wonderful people with all their concern and care and hopes and admiration for me. I have failed them badly and this is what hurts me the most. I just laze away, letting my life flow in the tornado. No efforts to stop it, to bring it back to the calm. The worst part is that I know what I need to do. I know what is wrong and why and yet i do nothing, absolutely nothing about it. I resolve but I falter. I have thought but not the courage. I have dream but not the grit. I have eyes and ears but not the sense. I sometimes feel that I have entered into some surrealistic world where I am floating ( don’t worry I am not into drugs. I am that high even without it ) and the drift takes me wherever it wants which is always the downward spiral. I wake up with nightmares about things and yet I sleep 10 hours a day! 10!!
What the fuck!! A knife if not used for work however sharp becomes blunt. So has happened with me. I am sharp from the brain, i know that. Maybe not the sharpest but pretty good. I am wasting it away. Throwing it all away. It is in a way suicidal. Suicidal in the sense of killing your identity, your dreams, your future. Yeah that is what it is. I have seen people who have balanced themselves from these kind of situations, some that have not. I am wondering which one I am going to be. How am I going to be? What I am going to be?
The more I long to know about the life that awaits me after here, the farther it goes…far, far away…the more I try to be unlike others, the more I wish I could be them. I blame people for not understanding me when I myself do not understand myself anymore. I think people are narrow-minded, narcissistic fools when I am the one who is the fool here. I imagine glory where doom has prepared the itinerary already. I hate when I should love. I ignore when I should care. I laugh when I should cry. I shout at others to shout at myself. I hurt when i should love. I shy away when I should show respect. I am arrogant when I should be polite. I am cranky when I should be calm. I am writing all this on a blogpost when I should be using a diary but I think that subconsciously I want the people to find this out from here instead of me having to face them.( what hopes! since noone even knows that I blog)
So, basically I am a big mess. A big, big mess which I need to straighten myself with all the effort that I can gather. So I have thought but think I always do. What I don’t do is act. So, no words here. Let’s see what is going to happen.