I have a problem…


Despite being well meaning and caring to a fault, I somehow, god knows how, seem to convey the opposite. Clearly, I am extremely poor in handling people and these are the loved ones, the ones closest to me, the ones I would even die for. I don’t know what gets into me that I shout at them, get irritated at the drop of a hat and just generally come off as a super pain in the ass. Later, I cry and weep and behind their backs, fight people off who would even think a slightly bad thought about them. 

This contradiction is highly painful for everyone. I don’t know how to solve it. 

Poetry – Coming To Love


Love is such a mystery 

A weird tale

I was so afraid of it 

I ran miles away

In a land where none could come

In a land where none could see

I became invisible 

and unobservable 

and obsolete.

But somethings are meant to be 

As were you.

You could see through invisible me 

You could hear the inaudible me

You could feel the imperceptible me 

You could sense the unobservable me 

You could see through the wall

and come to me.

 

And when I welcomed you 

in my heart

I knew it was meant to be 

For who else but you

who could ferret the obsolete 

but be the recipient 

of years full of care and love 

of all my hopes and dreams 

Who else but you could be 

the harbinger of 

sunshine and moonlight for me!

 

Poetry – Before You Came


Before you came to me

I was strong

I was free

I was independent 

and I was me.

 

I used to think of the day 

when you would arrive

and I would stop myself 

from flying 

from trying 

from craziness 

and from being me.

 

Oh! How wrong 

Oh! How mistaken 

Those fears had been 

For you taught me to soar

and to conquer the world

and to go where noone has gone

and to be joyful

and to be happy 

in being me while being me.

Fiction – Letter to Love


Dear Love,  

It seems strange to me to be writing to you when we talk almost everyday. There is something about writing which ensures permanence. I don’t trust my person to forever remember all these feelings I have now but I trust the written word to remind me when I may have forgotten what I feel today. I want to make sure that I never miss these moments even if my biology can’t keep up. 

We have been together for nearly 6 months now, slightly lesser. I have known you for about 2 years roughly. I love you. I do. You are the first person I have given my heart to. You are the first person I have shared my thoughts with. You are the first love of mine! And I am glad. I am so glad that you are the first because you are so considerate and kind and gentle. You attend to my peculiarities and hesitations with such gentleness that it makes my heart melt. I feel understood by you. I feel valued.

Sometimes, however, it all feels very unreal. I miss your physical presence. I tried to hold it hard in my head for a long time but the time is taking its toll now. I am beginning to forget what it felt like when you touched me, when you kissed me and when you hugged me. I am forgetting the protectiveness of leaning against your chest, the comfort of resting on your shoulders and the happiness of you walking besides me. It almost feels that the real you and the one I went out with are separating now. It’s been 5 months since you have been away and while my love grows deeper, the actual you is starting to fade and I am scared about it. I am scared of losing that image. I don’t want to. I want to be with you. I don’t want to miss you anymore. 

It is strange that I have this fear because honestly, I am equally afraid of being with you. I fear that it may just be a heavenly dream which might get shattered. I fear imagining the pleasure of the days when we will be together so that I may take the disappointment a bit easily if it does not happen. I fear the end of it all. I am scared of the depths I am going into. I fear becoming emotionless to protect my core in case I don’t end up with you. 

The uncertainty in this period is unnerving. I avoid thinking about it but it will only go for so long. There will come a time when a decision will have to be made. That time promises to come sooner than later. When it does, I can only hope that we both remain strong and deal wisely with whatever hand would be dealt. I hope that in the event of shattered hopes, our spirits remain unbroken. I also hope that we have enough courage and conviction to avoid the unwanted event in the first place. 

Be as it may, I am writing to you today to just let you know that you will be in my thoughts forever – loved, respected and cared about. I always will wish the best of everything for you and pray that you get whatever you wish for in life. I will always love you. I will always feel good about the fact that we met and shared so many exquisite moments. It was the time with you which made me aware of a part of my soul I never knew existed. It made me realize that how uplifting a union of souls can be and for that, I will be always grateful. 

With Best Regards,

Your Love 

 

Gunahon ka Devta – Dharmvir Bharti


Honestly, when I started the book, I did not expect it to be too great. I bought it because I had heard it was a classic in Hindi literature and I expected something solid for sure, but , nothing this extraordinary.

Right from the very beginning, the story, the characters, the setup, everything just engulfed me into this book. The characters are so complex, so rich, so varied. The story is an intricate weave of intense and light emotions alike. There are contrasts and similarities and they are very appropriately placed. There are ideological debates about platonic and carnal love, about love and arranged marriage, about Hindu customs, about sacrifice and acceptance and denial. The book deals with white, black and grey areas of life of the two protagonists, Chander and Sudha and the supporting cast. The depiction of lives, the conversations, the situations, the feelings are all so perfectly written that not once will your imagination fail you. It is intense, and tragic and deep story about love and passion and its pains and sacrifices and gains.

The book is remarkable not only because of its touching and excellent storyline but also because of the use of language and technical excellence in writing. Even when he describes the sex scenes, not once is there anything vulgar. The words are poetic and beautiful. The conversations between Sudha and Chander are light and flirty as they should be to give us the exact view of their relationship which is that of deepest devotion and love but of which they are unaware. He paints a contrast so well. While the relationship between Sudha and Chander is that of a god and its devotee, that of Pammi and Chander is that of bodily needs and very human in nature. Bharti ji also discusses philosophies of love and life and argues it from every viewpoint. He never fully segregates views and elevates one or the other. He gives reasons for both. Chander is not ashamed of what he did and Sudha does not blame him either. What they find initially difficult and later come to accept is that when you are going platonic, exclusivity becomes difficult because bodily needs come in and then all one has is trust in the love of each other.

I just can’t get it out of mind. It is marvellous. A book says all about its authors creative genius and Bharti Ji gets full points here. I would go as far as to say that Chander and Sudha are as great literary characters as Romeo and Juliet, Heer and Ranjha ,as Florentino Ariza and Fermina Daza.  If only, this reached a wider audience, more people would get to see the genius of Bharti ji.

Never Let me Go- Ishiguro


This is the most recent novel by Kazuo Ishiguro. I came to know about him from one of my seniors and thought that I will give it a try. Picked out this book from the book club yesterday night and I am glad that I did it. It makes wonderful read and is a short novel ( 263 pages only ) which I managed to finish in 6 hours. The language was simple and easy to understand, the structure most common.

The genre of the book is romance, love with a base of science fiction. However, the science fiction part is subtler than the plot of love which is mostly tragic. There is loss of love and tragedy all along. Without using a dramatic setting or heavy handed language, he has been able to convey the sense of tragedy so convincingly that at the end you cannot help but feel sad. It is a mature book which stays away from the mawkishness which most novels come to display when dealing with topics like love. The characters are sketchy in themselves other than the major protagonists. However, the relationships and behaviours have been studied deeply. The novel also raises a question of morality and ethics while dealing with the clones which one can see arising in the near future.
That’s about what I think of it immediately after having read it. Let’s see what happens later.