Stages of Grief

Well, incidentally, I came across this concept first time while watching an episode of How I met you Mother where Barney explains it to Ted. Henceforth, it occurred at many places and intrigued me further as I am going through some grief(Actually, everyone does in some way or the other).  So, I thought about researching it.

Apparently, this was introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and was aimed at describing the emotional stages of any and all kinds of grieved persons. She said that all may not experience all the five stages ut at least two is experienced by everyone. Also, the order may not be the same, however, this is what is generally observed.

The five stages are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Actually, I think that this really happens and I personally seem to have gone through these stage and finally arrived at the last stage that is of acceptance. At first, you are not even willing to believe that something has happened. It is like if you close your eyes, the weather would become fine. But when you open your eyes you see that has not exactly happened and then you are angry at the world, blaming it for your situation. Even then when it is there standing in you face, not budging, you bargain. You say, ok, fine now this will happen. Don’t give me the utopia but give me one good thing. Still that does not happen. Its all the same, may be even worse. You are tired, hopeless and depressed. You stay away from people, shut yourself mentally and brood about it a lot. While doing this retrospection and introspection, you realize that things that have happened cannot be changed and the fault was either not yours or was yours but has been made and in future needs to be changed. Then , you slowly accept the reality as it stands and take steps to better it or swallow hard.

This all happened to me and seeing a theory on it made me feel a little weird but that is what psychiatrist sort of people do right? Categorizing feelings and emotional responses. just thought would write it out. Makes for a great conversational tool and also helps in understanding who are going through grief.


why can’t you??

idiot duffer lazy crazy……why can’t you…why why why???

these are some lyrics from one of the songs of taare zameen pe. So true…they ring such a bell that I can hardly ignore the sound . I keep asking that to myself all the time these days.

Now, I have been really having some tough time for quite long now. It is without doubt the toughest of my life academically and what I do is to close my eyes and wish it to go away. I fool myself and my family and friends into believing that I am doing very well in handling it. Heck! I have not even let anyone know about it. No one has a hint of what is about to happen. The worst thing is that I am not even taking any steps to curb it. I am still bunking classes, still not going to meet the guide, still not doing the work except literature course and am continuing to dream of a glittering future. Sometimes, I am afraid that I have lost my sanity. I mean how could a person like me allow this to happen to a person like me. I teach and preach to people the fundaes of life and philosophy of living it. They praise me and my understanding of the ways of life and yet here I am with a most failed existence . I am not at all hesitant in accepting that I am right now living the worst kind of life that is possible.

My parents are the most wonderful people  with all their concern and care and hopes and admiration for me. I have failed them badly and this is what hurts me the most. I just laze away, letting my life flow in the tornado. No efforts to stop it, to bring it back to the calm. The worst part is that I know what I need to do. I know what is wrong and why and yet i do nothing, absolutely nothing about it. I resolve but I falter. I have thought but not the courage. I have dream but not the grit. I have eyes and ears but not the sense. I sometimes feel that I have entered into some surrealistic world where I am floating ( don’t worry I am not into drugs. I am that high even without it ) and the drift takes me wherever it wants which is always the downward spiral. I wake up with nightmares about things and yet I sleep 10 hours a day! 10!!

What the fuck!! A knife if not used for work however sharp becomes blunt. So has happened with me. I am sharp from the brain, i know that. Maybe not the sharpest but pretty good. I am wasting it away. Throwing it all away. It is in a way suicidal. Suicidal in the sense of killing your identity, your dreams, your future. Yeah that is what it is. I have seen people who have balanced themselves from these kind of situations, some that have not. I am wondering which one I am going to be. How am I going to be? What I am going to be?

The more I long to know about the life that awaits me after here, the farther it goes…far, far away…the more I try to be unlike others, the more I wish I could be them. I blame people for not understanding me when I myself do not understand myself anymore. I think people are narrow-minded, narcissistic fools when I am the one who is the fool here. I imagine glory where doom has prepared the itinerary already. I hate when I should love. I ignore when I should care. I laugh when I should cry. I shout at others to shout at myself. I hurt when i should love. I shy away when I should show respect. I am arrogant when I should be polite. I am cranky when I should be calm. I am writing all this on a blogpost when I should be using a diary but I think that subconsciously I want the people to find this out from here instead of me having to face them.( what hopes! since noone even knows that I blog)

So, basically I am a big mess.  A big, big mess which I need to straighten myself with all the effort that I can gather. So I have thought but think I always do. What I don’t do is act. So, no words here. Let’s see what is going to happen.