I always keep feeling that I have no control. I flow with the flow of life. And then, I end up feeling like I have no control over my time. When I am not able to do my work, I feel guilty about that and when I am not able to spend some time taking care of my family, I feel guilty about that. It’s a mess. I am already facing the guilt syndrome without having any major responsibilities. I tend to assume that I have more responsibility than I actually do. I want to do everything for everyone. It’s insane. The guilt of not being able to do something spurs me further into not doing anything. All in all. The more responsible I feel, the more dissatisfied I am. And I just presume that I have to assume all responsibility.
It’s a vicious circle. I need to feel less guilty and find more control on my time if I want to do anything worthwhile.
As I descend into the 31st year of my life, I have decided to change my professional track. So, I stopped walking on the career line I was following till now and will make a big jump into the wilderness and land of unknown paths called “Entrepreneurship”. Where will I go from there is unknown but one thing is for sure, I wont be coming back to this track again.
My mom got new knees, its a new phase in her life too.
My brother is going to get an MBA, a new phase in his life too.
Too much happening. All major life altering things in a way. I am sure I will have tons of fun doing it.
Excited. Thrilled. Just a little bit scared. Anxious.
There are some men who are forever trapped in the boyish mindset of the teens and find it incredibly hard to get out of that even when they grow up in age and enter a professional world. I had such an experience during a personal development workshop that I attended as a part of a training program for my company. In it, we were to do a communications exercise in a group of 4. It so happened that the 3 girls in the training were all in one group with one boy. Now, all the other guys at seeing this, started smirking, making comments on the pitiful condition of that boy in our group. One called us out and said ” Hey! Go easy on him”. Others make comments like “Dude! Hold tight!”. Now, please make a note that these people have at least 4-5 years of work experience and they are supposed to be people managers and yet the amount of professionalism that they show when it comes to dealing with females amidst them is zero. What were the three girls going to do to that boy? Eat Him? Skin him alive? Abuse him? No, in fact what the other guys were doing to him was abuse and at the same time an extremely immature and sexist act. How do you expect from people who tease a colleague for sitting with girls to be mature enough to deal with women in their team and what would their attitude be if they have female subordinates or female bosses?
An excuse can easily be made attempting to cover this behind a joke. “It was just a joke!”, I know for sure that would be the retort. But, I disagree. I believe, that to make such sexist jokes in a professional environment is wrong. You could may be make as many jokes as you like among friends but doing this in an office is uncalled for.
When the foundations of professional behavior are so shaky, how can we expect to ever get sexism removed from workplace?
This has made me realize that sometimes, a joke is not all innocent and we need to point out to such events where college/teenage distasteful and uncomfortable humor, specially regarding females, is carried on into offices and propagated. It creates a sexist and unhealthy work environment.
What’s most surprising and disappointing is that no one pointed this out, everyone either participated in it or shut up, me included. What that indicates is the unapproachability of senior people within companies and openness for suggestions.
But I wanted to highlight this incidence, if only to release my anger.
Recently, I told a friend of mine that sometimes it is not possible to see the future from where we are standing. It rarely ever is a linear extrapolation from our current situation. As I was telling him this, I realized that it was me who needed to understand this the most. I sometimes fear what the future would be. I fear that if the present continues, it would not be for the best. And in telling him, I found this truth for myself. I stopped trying to extrapolate it and create a reality based on today which has as much possibility of not being true as it has of being true. Things change a lot and it happens in just a moment. Does not take very long. One could be going on a completely different path than imagined.
I better not forget this when times are tough because changes are always lurking just around the corner. It is a good probability that we would find a good one on the turn we fear so much.
Life Crises have now begun to strike early. The first major one now happens when you are in your mid to late twenties. The reason – reason being that most people at that stage find themselves without a set path. They find that there is no one direction to take, no one criteria to fulfill, no one basis on which to call yourself successful. This predicament confounds all. They have been believing all their lives that there is a set answer to a set question and they are ready with it. But when the crisis hits, they realize that the questions have changed. Life is not asking you what you expected it to ask of you. Instead, there are questions which you never even imagined. There are circumstances which are unique to you and would not have answers anywhere except within you. It is most confounding. Some people delude themselves, some numb themselves, some seek answers with gusto, some are flabbergasted and some just give up. The choice is one’s own and unique to our situation. How to go through it, one can only imagine but the thing is that you have to befriend yourself like no other and hate and love yourself most. And then ignore yourself and focus on the world around you and all the things which make every experience worthwhile.
Entire world and beyond, the whole of internet and all the movies, all songs and every poem ever written is not enough to fill an empty heart.
I am going to try for something higher for which I need to create my resume and I feel like I have been a fraud all this while. I feel that I am going to be found out , that all the world will know how awfully useless, unintelligent and unprofessional I am. It is the attack of the Impostor Syndrome.