Why does accounting for oneself seems like clearing oneself from charge of crime? Why is it offensive if someone asks you to account for yourself? Why is clearing yourself so painful?

I will tell you why I am posing such questions. We happen to have a canteen in the hostel which serves from 2 pm-2am, pretty much a hanging out place and routine visit for me, for tea and coffee of which I have lately become an addict. Anyway, when I came here, it was run by man called “lalaji” and his nephew. They had register where you can write the items that you have taken and pay it later ( just like the credit system that we have ). Now, we used to wonder that what if someone wrote wrong account because we used to write it ourselves and they were not very watchful. I am sure that some people did that. They wrote less, omitted an item or two. The system was based on mutual trust mainly which stayed always with that canteen. Next came a canteen with rogue owners. I better not talk about it as they were goons who were running that canteen. They were infact marking false entries in the accounts and that canteen was also closed. Now we have a couple running a canteen, pretty ok. They do a fine job of making and serving. There are complaints sure but nothing major. The only problem is that every time you go to write in the register they will be there like a watchdog and asking for every penny that you do not write. It somehow just feels insulting. I don’t know why but being questioned every time as if you have left something unwritten makes you feel like a crook. Perhaps, this comes from the system of trust that we had in the earlier canteen and that now I am so used to it that when these canteen owners do a practical thing I feel uncomfortable.

Actually no, it’s the way they do it. They always do it. If you go 5 times, they do it 5 times a day. So, somehow I was very angry today and I burst! I shouted at them and they retaliated back and I gave answers back and I came. But since then I am feeling bad. Why? Now I wonder that is it really wrong? I mean one has to have some trust as to what I will write is right. Or, perhaps I really took them in a wrong manner and unnecessarily burst out. Me having temper problems is not new. I have always had bursts at wrong places at wrong times and this was one of those. May be!! Whatever! Right now it all seems so wrong and ill placed in time.

About the temper- well, it seems enhanced at home. Its like when I get home, I try to purge all of it which I have been saving inside me when I am outside since I can’t really show my temper outside. Its bad!! Its real bad that way! . They say I should know how to control it. I believe that I am angry and since that anger is not getting out at the right front in the right manner, I am taking it out by other wrong outlets by shouting at people.


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