idiot duffer lazy crazy……why can’t you…why why why???
these are some lyrics from one of the songs of taare zameen pe. So true…they ring such a bell that I can hardly ignore the sound . I keep asking that to myself all the time these days.
Now, I have been really having some tough time for quite long now. It is without doubt the toughest of my life academically and what I do is to close my eyes and wish it to go away. I fool myself and my family and friends into believing that I am doing very well in handling it. Heck! I have not even let anyone know about it. No one has a hint of what is about to happen. The worst thing is that I am not even taking any steps to curb it. I am still bunking classes, still not going to meet the guide, still not doing the work except literature course and am continuing to dream of a glittering future. Sometimes, I am afraid that I have lost my sanity. I mean how could a person like me allow this to happen to a person like me. I teach and preach to people the fundaes of life and philosophy of living it. They praise me and my understanding of the ways of life and yet here I am with a most failed existence . I am not at all hesitant in accepting that I am right now living the worst kind of life that is possible.
My parents are the most wonderful people with all their concern and care and hopes and admiration for me. I have failed them badly and this is what hurts me the most. I just laze away, letting my life flow in the tornado. No efforts to stop it, to bring it back to the calm. The worst part is that I know what I need to do. I know what is wrong and why and yet i do nothing, absolutely nothing about it. I resolve but I falter. I have thought but not the courage. I have dream but not the grit. I have eyes and ears but not the sense. I sometimes feel that I have entered into some surrealistic world where I am floating ( don’t worry I am not into drugs. I am that high even without it ) and the drift takes me wherever it wants which is always the downward spiral. I wake up with nightmares about things and yet I sleep 10 hours a day! 10!!
What the fuck!! A knife if not used for work however sharp becomes blunt. So has happened with me. I am sharp from the brain, i know that. Maybe not the sharpest but pretty good. I am wasting it away. Throwing it all away. It is in a way suicidal. Suicidal in the sense of killing your identity, your dreams, your future. Yeah that is what it is. I have seen people who have balanced themselves from these kind of situations, some that have not. I am wondering which one I am going to be. How am I going to be? What I am going to be?
The more I long to know about the life that awaits me after here, the farther it goes…far, far away…the more I try to be unlike others, the more I wish I could be them. I blame people for not understanding me when I myself do not understand myself anymore. I think people are narrow-minded, narcissistic fools when I am the one who is the fool here. I imagine glory where doom has prepared the itinerary already. I hate when I should love. I ignore when I should care. I laugh when I should cry. I shout at others to shout at myself. I hurt when i should love. I shy away when I should show respect. I am arrogant when I should be polite. I am cranky when I should be calm. I am writing all this on a blogpost when I should be using a diary but I think that subconsciously I want the people to find this out from here instead of me having to face them.( what hopes! since noone even knows that I blog)
So, basically I am a big mess. A big, big mess which I need to straighten myself with all the effort that I can gather. So I have thought but think I always do. What I don’t do is act. So, no words here. Let’s see what is going to happen.