How would you feel if you become ( or at least show that particular despicable quality) which you never wanted to be? Ask me! You will feel terrible and so ashamed and hypocritical beyond bearable limit.
When i was in 1st year, I was pretty much offended and wounded by the reactions shown by one of our seniors towards us when our team had lost the fatta match. I failed then to understand that thy were also like me, only a year or two elder. I thought that they should treat us like kids, with love at all times. To say the least, that thing irked me for quite many years. Today, again I was in the same position as that senior , only now I am like three years older than those kids. In the match, I became extremely competitive and engaged in one or two little arguments. It’s not that big deal and I don’t know if it mattered to them that much but if it did what it had done to me in my first year, I am terribly terribly sorry and ashamed for being that person( not so much being the person as the act ) which I had once despised so much.
The trouble is that now repenting won’t help. I just want to avoid doing that but I don’t know why whenever I play, I am extremely aggressive( I wish that aggression was to be seen in the workspace) . Anyway, so we won the match with me being the star player and all but that thing remains i my heart and eats out of my joy. I just hope those kids did not mind that much and will not despise me as much as I despised my senior whose position now I fully understand.
It would have been so much better if I had not the mind to bother about others but unfortunately, I think a tad too much about that!
On a new line of thought, I have issued “shantaram” and hope to finish it in 2 weeks.
On another new line, I am in trouble beyond limit because of my faults and I am not bothered. What am I? Duh!