Mistakes

I made one mistake. I did right things at the wrong times all the time and some wrong things at the right time too. It is inexcusable but not irredeemable.

Algebra is nice and so is number theory. Love it!!

Digression Analysis

Well Hello?
Hello, Who’s there?
This is GOD speaking..
GOD ! oh really ..hahahahaha…let me guess you are Mr. Roger ‘God’ Simon right?
No, this is the God God!
Who the fuck is this? What kind of a joke…are you drunk..?
Hey! no! I am not drunk…I am GOD!!
What the hell…don’t disturb me again man ..you get it?

phone cut….

phone rings again!! and again!!

Hello! Can I please speak to Ms. Lydia!
Yeah I am speaking.
Hi! Listen, please dont keep the phone down. There is something I have to talk to you about.
Who is this…?
Well, I am God here…
You motherfucker..god here…god where…whats your problem man? Are you retarded? Where did you get my number?? Now listen to this..if you call me again , I am going to call the police and get you arrested. You get that? Now put the phone down and never ever call me again , you freak!!

phone cut!! thud!!

Next Day!!

There’s a mail!

mailman: Hi! This is for you. How are you Miss.
Thanks Pat. I am good.

Opens it. No reply address.

Dear Daughter,
( why would dad write me a letter? He never does that? I talked to him only yesterday! Oh yeah it must be some whim of his…funny what old people get into..yeah anyway..lets see what he has written..)

I know you are not a believer. I don’t expect you to be one either. I am just trying to make a connection here. I want to talk to you. I want to know how you feel. I want to know what you think because yours is the most restricted mind that I have come acroos. I am not able to get into it and it worries me. I just want to help. So tell me when can we have a conversation.
( wow!! Dad’s certainly gotten crazy )

love
GOD!

God? WTF? Now this guy is sending letters to me, How does he know my address? Who is he? What kind of a crap prank is this? I think I should tell the police!! Yeah! He could be a dangerous person. For one, he is definitely crazy. Playing the god and all.

dialling 100.

Hi!! This is Lydia speaking.
Hello! How can we help you mam?
yeah,I have to report about a person who has been bothering me since yesterday.
Yeah Just a minute . I will hand this to Officer Jacob.
hello! So what is the problem miss lydia ..is that correct?
yes! I have to file a report against a man who has been calling me since yesterday and today he sent a letter. He thinks he is God. He says he wants to talk to me.
Do you have any suspects?
I don’t think so. I don’t think it is a practical joke coz I called all my friends and they haven’t done this .
Okay! I will like to see the letter, And we will try to find out the number that you got a call from. When would you be available?
I am right now. This is sunay so i am at home all day!
Okay , so as soon as we are done with the  tracing and all we will be there to interrogate you about the matter,
Please tell the details to Cindy. See you
Thanks a lot officer.

Cindy: Can i have your address and telephone number mam?
Yeah sure. Its A 216, Graham Street, ball park, Nevada. And the number is 98172678376.
Okay! Officer jacob will get back to you in time.
Thanks

( Hmm! I just hope it turns out to be nothing serious. What madness was that? Who could it be? A stalker!! Yeah could be, i was looking pretty good that night. I am actually beautiful. hmmm. But what if it is a practical joke after all. What a fool I would have made of myself calling the police and all. But I called all the friends. If they had done they would have told me so. i don’t know. I just getting disturbed about nothing perhaps. I should get back to studying. Well, I like Maths, but not so much as I like Physic or you know the grand things, I do not like to get into the details, Its the bigger picture that amuses me.But have to do the thing anyway! )
So, group theory…some blabber about it and then again drifting into thoughts.
( What if he was really God? What rubbish he couldn’t be … what if ? Why does he want to talk to me. He said my mind is restricted. He said he can’t get into my thoughts. So, he would not be knowing what I am thinking right now right? But he knwos about other people. Why can’t he get into my head, is there something special? Is there anything wrong? Imagine!! If he were actually god  could ask him wished ..wow! would that not be great! But I am an atheist damn it! It can’t be God!! All the fantasies were just made to convince people to do good things, The kings wanted to fear the people and thats why they devised words of god, the supremo and naming their laws as his, prohibited people from going agiant them. Of course its all a plot of man’s. Of a great story maker. Of course there is no God! Nature is the God!! The state of being is the god and how do we know that the manifestation of god is a man! Why not a woman or why not a tree? That is all farce, Off course there is no god. But how nice it would be if there was one and who would grant me wishes, vanish all my troubles. But what if he actually was and I am saying all these things about him. What if he sends me to hell. What if he is pissed off and gets angry at me. I should not say pissed. I should not think about him not being. But how can I avoid the thoughts? They just come. Oh dear God!! What I am I thinking all this about. I should study. There!! what an irony…i don’t believe in him but i just said Oh God….ha!! what a fool kind of a person  am I? Actually I am a fool. When I should be studying all this philosophy comes to me. But is it not right to think. Whart sort of a person is that who does not think? Don’t other people think? Off course they must be thinking. Not all I guess think. Those types who word so hard, they are very practical people. They do not think about this rubbish stuff, They do what they are supposed to. How nice no? I wish I could be like them sometime. I wish I could have a single minded devotion. Perhaps, I should start considering God, Maybe then when I believe in him, he can give me the power to concentrate, But sadly, that would never happen. I have to deal with it on my own. Oh! Why did you make me like this God? He did not make you you idiot. Yeah whatever. WHy am i like this? Why could I not be like others, Why am I thinking so much all the time ? Why am I not doing my work? What is it that I have got in my head? That is the reason I am ot able to perform well. Perhaps I should blog about this. Mark also thinks about all these things yet he does great in studies. I think I am a loser. But who is a loser actually? Am i really a loser? i guess I am!!! That is why..exactly that is why I should get going and start studying. Now move it cut the crap and blog about all of it later. About this incident with the god thing also.
Writing is so purgative no! I think I should write it now else I will forget all of it. Ohh but I should not. I think I will. But noone reads my blog. Noone comments there, Whats the point of writing? I may as well let it be unwritten, But I love writing, I should have taken up wrting instead of maths, yeah!! I suck at maths. But why? I am brilliant enough !! I do not study at all. At all…thats why i suck and i am sucking big time. My mouith is getting very dirty, I should perhaps control. yeah motherfuckler, sisterfucker, bitch, son of a dog, bastard asslicking nymphette….wow!! thats some voacbulary. Spitting expletives is so cathartic. Oh How i like to use these fancy words. I have got a good vocab no? My english is good. Its at least better than most people here.

….to be continued

Shantaram and Tharoor!

So I finished Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts and also a book by Shashi Tharoor called “Bookless in Baghdad”. I will review them both here one by one.

1. SHANTARAM : As you must be knowing , it is an autobiographical fictional book by Gregory D. Roberts. He is a former australian convict who escaped imprisonment and came to Bombay. There he stayed for about 10 years while living in slums, village and working for the underworld there. He also got involved in smuggling and a war in Afghanistan. He also went to prison for a while in between, forged passports and dealt in drugs. And finally, he was caught again and sent to a jail in australia. This man has been a writer in the life before the heroin addiction and armed robberies came to him. Now, he is a writer again and what a fine one at that. For a person living in circumstances far removed from being conducive for the growth of a writer, he has managed pretty well to chronicle his life and experiences in a splendid way. He has lived 10 lives in one. He has been countless persons while being one person. One is awed by the sheer incredulity of situations that he faced. One is tickled by the weird and funny incidents that came his way. One is horrified by the circumstances he has lived in and in which other people continue to live today also. One is terrified by the people who surrounded him . But what is most important is that one feels hope, one gets strength and one gets the conviction that it is possible to straighten things out in the end. The message that seeps in is that whatever be the odds, end can be bettered.

The book is fantastically descriptive. You have no problem in imagining the characters and the situations. The book is thick too and yet when you finish it, you yearn for more. It is a thriller which keeps you at the edge of you seat. You are bound to say: Really? He did that! He lived like that! He is still alive. ..etc etc . The book is a must read for people who find adventures interesting. There is a lot of philosophy too. You are at times hearing the conversations about big bang, complexity, universe, existence and that too between whom you wonder..between two chiefs of the underworld. They talk about good and evil at one minute and go murder a person or forge a passport the next moment. Its sometimes hilarious and sometimes gut wrenching. Sometimes it feels like a deep philosophical message and at other times like a farce, a hypocrisy. But whatever, it is a truly engaging book. one should read it just to know that what are the possibilities in the world that exist.

2. BOOKLESS IN BAGHDAD : This is a book by Shashi Tharoor who is the Under Secretary General of the UN and was in the race of becoming the Secretary General. He is a well educated man, in truest sense representing the global elites of India. As he himself says, he was hooked to books since very small age. No wonder, he has read all sorts of works by almost all kind of authors. He himself has published around 9 books. That much for the man.

As for the book, it is mainly a collection of his essays on literary topics ranging from authors to reviewers to his favorite books to the poets he loves. Interesting and insightful. Not a very interesting read for all I would say. Only those who like Tharoor and are well read would find something of interest here. There is a lot of mention about Salman Rushdie. Now, he is a truly intriguing and interesting topic altogether to deserve a separate post which he shall get but later.

Till then you can get the info about these two books at wiki :

1 . http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shantaram_(novel)

2. http://www.shashitharoor.com/books/bookless/bookless-reviews.htm

The Man From Earth

Just saw this movie. It is a new science fiction movie. And when I say science fiction, I do not mean computer generated super special effects, story based on an alien, outer space locations, laser guns and you get the drift. None of this at all. Just a room and 8 people and their talks. Just watch it. It is an entirely new concept and so really interesting. I mean it makes you think for once that is it actually possible.

A big big recommendation from my side, just for the heck of hearing that idea which the writer( Jerome Bixby) has tried to present.  Here is the wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_from_Earth

and the imdb link for the movie: http://www.us.imdb.com/title/tt0756683/ 

why do people lie?

Ever thought about that? Well, off course it is not a new and revolutionary thought to have been discussed for the first time on my blog. Not at all. In fact the question has been relevant since man began to question the reasons behind the actions that we perform. So, what is the reason? Why do people lie?

Is it because they are born rogues? Is it because it is their blood? But, common people lie too. Perfectly mannered people, highly respected people, greatest people lie. May be not a life-taking or earth shattering lie but some tid-bits of false words here and there very often. I will have to confess I have lied too on many occasions. I am sure you will have lied too at least once or twice ( I know its much more than that ) in your lifetime. So, are you cold blooded and heartless. Am I a cheat and a scoundrel? No, I am not, you are not and many others are not but we do lie. Why is that?

I have the theory that people lie because they are expected to. Expected to? You would say that this is the biggest bullshit one can say. To be expected to lie! Imagine that. But as tantamount to crap that is, I think that is the prime reason. We are expected to lie because we are not expected to remain silent. It is only in the curious (very curious, sometimes to the extent of being irritating) nature of human beings to find an answer to every question that is being raised in their minds. When those questions concern you, you are expected to answer them and not remain silent which will not only not satisfy their demand but also intrigue them further. They might even expect that there is some mystery and deception going on there. So much for keeping your ideas private. And if you don’t really want to answer those questions and avoid the sarcastic comments, questioning glances and raised eyebrows as well, you will have to fabricate a lie. To satisfy the appetite. Somehow, we don’t want to leave others to themselves. Wherever I go, I have found the topic of conversation being another person almost 90% of the times.

So as the case be, I either remain silent if possible or lie if truth is to be withheld for whatever reasons. Sometimes, in case of ordinary people like you and me, I think that if a person is not really comfortable sharing secrets ( or even non-secrets ) with you, we should just let them be, rather than forcing them to lie in an effort to satisfy our eternally unsatiated appetites.

Jobs galore!

I am really surprised to see people around me acting in such a maddening way. They just want to be patted on the back whether the thing for which they get the pat interests them or not is immaterial.  I will just cite some examples:

1. Statement: CAT dena hai

Question : kyun bhai? ( why? ). You interested in management?

Answer: Because I am not interested in my subject. Management ka to pata nahi yaar but acing in CAT will establish that I am a good  test taker and brilliant.

2. Statement: Finance job leni hai

Question : why again? do you even know what finance is? ..

Answer : Don’t even know the ABCD of finance yaar! But I have to go there because then only I will be considered chaapu and worthy plus the salary is so great yaar!

3. Statement: Teri salary kitni hai? 6.5? accha..chalo koi nahi ..theek hi hai

Reaction : nearly 40,000 a month…for starting ..theek hai? :O and the vanity.

I mean I just cannot understand that what has gotten into these people who are not thinking with their minds but with I don’t know what!! So much vanity in people of 22-23 years…so much pride and discrimination. This is really serious. It’s all about the strategy fo catching them young. I have a lot to say about all this but later.

Much delayed resolutions!

It has been about three years since I have taken any resolutions for the new year as they were always unfulfilled and I got disappointed. What i failed to see was that I was the one causing their failure by not observing that I am not working appropriately. So, this year I decided to take some serious resolutions and work on them . They will be few but most important.

I will take a moment here to wonder about the irony that exists. I hate personal blogs. I feel that personal things should be kept for the diary and yet I type away to glory about all my feelings and desires and other stuff. But this hopefully would be the last of that league.

Res 1 : Career to be made

Res 2  : Weight to be lost

Res 3 : Temper and words to be controlled

Res 4 : responsibilities to be taken and tackled 

Pretty commonplace resolutions here but I really need to do a lot about it starting from today.

Gossip is bullshit!

I hate gossip mongers!! I hate them. I just simply plainly hate them. They disgust me. To be getting excited about the personal pains and pleasures of someone is really shameful and above all, a breach of trust. I mean I never thought that people do so but rumors are made and spread by the best of friends. People poke you in order to extract something about the life of people close to you. Their gossip appetites are fed by talking and rubbishing people, laughing at others. Such people pretend to be friends of all when they are friends of no one. Your secrets are all at risk. They are big liars! Big cheats! Big pretenses!

What they get from all this in return is a 10-15 minutes of fun. I am very sorry to have been a part and parcel of this system for a while. I began to bite people at their backs but it was mainly out of frustration and not because I was enjoying talking about it. I always had a sense of guilt and now it is more than forever. That shame and guilt is more towering than anything. I have decided that I am not going to be a part of anything like this anymore. Never ever again in my life and I am going to shut those people out who try to take me in with them and this dirty habit of theirs. Period!

why can’t you??

idiot duffer lazy crazy……why can’t you…why why why???

these are some lyrics from one of the songs of taare zameen pe. So true…they ring such a bell that I can hardly ignore the sound . I keep asking that to myself all the time these days.

Now, I have been really having some tough time for quite long now. It is without doubt the toughest of my life academically and what I do is to close my eyes and wish it to go away. I fool myself and my family and friends into believing that I am doing very well in handling it. Heck! I have not even let anyone know about it. No one has a hint of what is about to happen. The worst thing is that I am not even taking any steps to curb it. I am still bunking classes, still not going to meet the guide, still not doing the work except literature course and am continuing to dream of a glittering future. Sometimes, I am afraid that I have lost my sanity. I mean how could a person like me allow this to happen to a person like me. I teach and preach to people the fundaes of life and philosophy of living it. They praise me and my understanding of the ways of life and yet here I am with a most failed existence . I am not at all hesitant in accepting that I am right now living the worst kind of life that is possible.

My parents are the most wonderful people  with all their concern and care and hopes and admiration for me. I have failed them badly and this is what hurts me the most. I just laze away, letting my life flow in the tornado. No efforts to stop it, to bring it back to the calm. The worst part is that I know what I need to do. I know what is wrong and why and yet i do nothing, absolutely nothing about it. I resolve but I falter. I have thought but not the courage. I have dream but not the grit. I have eyes and ears but not the sense. I sometimes feel that I have entered into some surrealistic world where I am floating ( don’t worry I am not into drugs. I am that high even without it ) and the drift takes me wherever it wants which is always the downward spiral. I wake up with nightmares about things and yet I sleep 10 hours a day! 10!!

What the fuck!! A knife if not used for work however sharp becomes blunt. So has happened with me. I am sharp from the brain, i know that. Maybe not the sharpest but pretty good. I am wasting it away. Throwing it all away. It is in a way suicidal. Suicidal in the sense of killing your identity, your dreams, your future. Yeah that is what it is. I have seen people who have balanced themselves from these kind of situations, some that have not. I am wondering which one I am going to be. How am I going to be? What I am going to be?

The more I long to know about the life that awaits me after here, the farther it goes…far, far away…the more I try to be unlike others, the more I wish I could be them. I blame people for not understanding me when I myself do not understand myself anymore. I think people are narrow-minded, narcissistic fools when I am the one who is the fool here. I imagine glory where doom has prepared the itinerary already. I hate when I should love. I ignore when I should care. I laugh when I should cry. I shout at others to shout at myself. I hurt when i should love. I shy away when I should show respect. I am arrogant when I should be polite. I am cranky when I should be calm. I am writing all this on a blogpost when I should be using a diary but I think that subconsciously I want the people to find this out from here instead of me having to face them.( what hopes! since noone even knows that I blog)

So, basically I am a big mess.  A big, big mess which I need to straighten myself with all the effort that I can gather. So I have thought but think I always do. What I don’t do is act. So, no words here. Let’s see what is going to happen.

Knowing thyself!

Okay! So how well do we know ourselves? We like to think that we know a lot about ourselves but really how much is there which is unfathomed? Since 70% is a very crucial percentage I like to believe that we only know 70% about ourselves and that is when we know too much. That is because we do not treat ourselves as a person. We do not really observe ourselves and our behavioral patterns. I just sat thinking about it and I could not even answer some very simple questions. Now, they were simple but they required a great deal of indulgence with oneself which obviously was missing and that is the case when I consider myself a very introspective person.

So this is the questionnaire:

1. What is my favorite word? ( I could not answer this and I claim to be word lover and a voracious reader )

2. What is the one thing I would change in my life if I were to live it all over again (and I am not the type to answer nothing. I do have regrets. I just don’t know which one to pinpoint.)

3. What has been the best moment of my life that I will remember forever?

4. What has been the most embarrassing moment that I can never forget?

5. Who is my idol? ( I think I know the answer to that one)

6. Which one of these I cherish most : Power, Reputation, Knowledge, Money, Love, Health

7. Favorite movie?

8. Favorite song?

9. Favorite book? (Because I think that favorite author is a stupid question at best. How can one love a creation just because some person has created it? I mean I would love a piece of work irrespective of where it came from if its good )

10. Five things I cannot live without.

So, this was just a basic questionnaire which I created to test myself and it seems that I am having troubles finding the very basic of myself. What would happen if I were to choose my career of my choice. I would not even know what I love doing.

Now, thats a lot of bullshit on one page so I am going to end it here.